Real Housewives Recap
A whole lot of carny kid spilled out of LeeAnne Locken in the opening moments of this week’s episode of Real Housewives of Dallas on Bravo.
LeeAnne grew up working the carnival circuit — as we’ve been reminded in every episode so far — and sometimes her carefully tended glossy veneer as Dallas charity do-gooder slips just enough to see her tough and ornery side.
Continuing from last week’s cliffhanger, LeeAnne is seen stalking angrily out of the all-ladies cocktail party at the now-closed Stephan Pyles restaurant, with bestie Tiffany Hendra close behind. What ticked off charity maven LeeAnne were some uncharitable remarks by ginger spitfire nemesis Brandi Redmond.
Champagne was thrown, ruining the pricey print frock of snooty nose-and-boob-job nurse Cary Deuber. (And not even coming in a close fourth to any of the top three wine tosses in Housewives history.) Calling Brandi “a little piece of trash,” LeeAnne, in a striped jumpsuit, hit St. Paul Street ready for war. “I have two choices: kill the bitch or start crying,” she hisses.
Tiffany misjudges LeeAnne’s mood in this scenario. Instead of calming her friend down, Tiffany gets right in her face and screams, “Don’t you [F-word as a gerund] talk to me like that!”
“I’m done!” LeeAnne screams back.
Now get this: Not a foot away from Tiffany and LeeAnne on the otherwise empty downtown Dallas sidewalk in the dusky light of evening, a small man can be seen making a call on his cellphone. He doesn’t seem to notice the cameras or the two heavily blush-dusted women about to throw down right in front of him. He’s this week’s uncredited cameo, a silent leprechaun who had to make a call right then and there. (Maybe he was dialing 911 in case blood was spilled. Maybe he was calling Uber to get a ride back to actual reality.)
The fight then escalates to non-injurious poking and shoving between the ladies. LeeAnne runs over and whacks the camera capturing footage of this scene. (If there’s anything you don’t do as a TV “real housewife,” it’s make viewers aware that there are cameras rolling.)
Then in a bit of inspired, spontaneous choreography, LeeAnne steps off the curb and is almost flattened by the downtown Dallas trolley. She reacts by punching the trolley, kicking off her shoes and padding barefoot to the other side of the street.
At this point, the soundtrack from Carmina Burana would have been perfect.
Instead, we cut to domestic drama unfolding on some other day at Brandi’s mansion, where her hubster is off on another biz trip while she’s arranging an awkward family reunion for her mother, her long-estranged grandfather, and his wife. All this stuff is boring as bejeebers to watch until, at the reunion backyard barbecue, Brandi’s husband arrives late and drunk and ignores all the company.
The Redmonds’ marriage is in the red zone.
Brandi’s friend Stephanie Hollman, on the other hand, lives in a dream world inside her palatial mansion. Stephanie is a wispy blond who speaks in a sing-songy baby voice, drawing out vowels. Her seventh anniversary date with hubby Travis is “gonna be so romaaaaaantic. Like we’re in caaaaaah-lege.”
For the date they ride in a gold Rolls-Royce to de Boulle jewelers, where Steph picks out a $70K diamond bracelet. “The most beautiful distraction I’ve ever received,” she says.
Later Brandi gets weepy hearing of yet another perfect moment in Stephanie’s perfect marriage. Brandi’s husband bought her french fries and 29 other food items when she turned 30, she recalls. Brandi wants carats, not carrots.
Back to LeeAnne and Tiffany, who resolve their tiff after frosting each other at a clothing drive for Legacy Counseling Center. They meet for lunch and swap kisses and apologies. “We’re gonna sit down and come to Jesus together,” says LeeAnne.
Tiffany explains her angry outbursts toward her friend of 25 years by reminding her that she’s half Japanese and half Native American. “I will scalp you and go Mr. Miyagi,” Tiffany says. Hands up if that offends. Yeah, thought so, too.
We end this week back at Brandi’s, where she’s at the kitchen counter, sawing away on a fresh tomato with a dull knife. She and the not-the-sharpest-knife-in-the-drawer have a lot in common.
Real Housewives of Dallas airs at 9 pm Mondays for the next five weeks on Bravo.